Thoughts On My "Year of Joy"

When I look back at Gabriel's first year of life, all I think of is joy. For some reason, it was SUCH a joyful year.

I had every reason to not have a good year, however. He was born January 15th, right at the beginning of the year. When he was just 3 weeks old, Dave left his longtime position at our church and started a new career and had to travel a lot. I think Gabe was 4 or 5 weeks old when Dave left for California for a week-long training seminar, and the traveling only picked up from there. The year really should have been a lot harder than it was- with Dave gone all the time, adjusting to having three boys, night wakings and feedings, staying engaged with my older boys, and struggling with migraines ALL THE TIME. Seriously, by the time fall came I was on a steady roll of 3-4 migraines a week- the kind that knock you out flat and there's literally nothing that will help except going to bed. It was really affecting the quality of my life, so much so that whenever I made plans I always had a plan B in case I got a migraine. I had one on my birthday. I had one on Gabe's first birthday. I had one at a wedding I was photographing. I saw my doctor, a chiropractor, a physical therapist, I even had an MRI. All normal, which was relieving, but I still didn't have answers. It was frustrating. (As a side note, it ended up being our hard bed- we got a custom-built new bed earlier this year and no more migraines!)

Even still, when I think about 2016, those things don't come to mind- I had to consciously make a point to remember those things for this blog post. You want to know what I think of from that year that brings me so much joy? Adding another amazing boy to our family. Feeling really confident in my abilities as a mom as it was a seamless transition from two to three children (I hear this is not the case for everyone so I was super grateful!). Snuggling in bed watching my shows during the sleepy newborn phase. Having Gabe sleep next to me in his bassinet a friend so generously gave to me. Feeling like super mom when the last people on my meal train were showing up with meals and answering the door feeling totally grateful but like it was totally unnecessary, like I got this! Gabe being an awesome sleeper (I'm putting you out of my mind, four month sleep regression!). Driving alone with the boys 3 hours to my aunt's cottage on the lake in the summer. Doing a corn maze in the fall and getting a real tree for Christmas. Putting our house up for sale. Doing really crazy abnormal things with the boys while Dave was traveling, like ordering pizza for dinner way more than we should and going to Barnes and Noble at 6pm on a school night and even having Zach do his homework there. Moving furniture around at 3 weeks postpartum (reverse nesting?), and feeling SO good and energized. I didn't let anything keep me down that year- not Dave's traveling, not my migraines, not the craziness of having three children... I truly embraced it and ran with it. And it was empowering!

I think what made the difference was my determination to be intentional. I planned on Gabriel being my last baby, so I truly savored every sweet little moment from that year. I paid attention. I noticed things I don't normally make a point to notice... I "treasured them all up in my heart". I wanted to remember every detail possible, every feeling, every sweet snuggle and milestone. That made all the difference.

Now here I am again- pregnant with my fourth (and LAST, lol) baby. Sometimes I look at Gabe and feel sorry for him (which I know is silly), but I think "you were supposed to be the baby!". I know adding another will be joyful and we'll love him and not imagine life without him... and him and Gabe will be great friends I'm sure. But I'm trying to decipher my feelings about it all as we head into the home stretch of this pregnancy... how can I recreate that "year of joy" that I had after Gabe was born? Is it even possible, especially with a completely different baby? Will attempting to do that somehow diminish the joy I feel about Gabe's first year or worse, set me up for disappointment by having unrealistic expectations about what the year should look like?

These are the thoughts I've been pondering lately. I haven't savored this pregnancy like I normally do, partly because I didn't want to be pregnant in the first place, partly because I'm having a harder time keeping up with more children, and partly because I'm so stinkin' uncomfortable and having side effects I never had before with previous pregnancies. But I'm still determined- I know that regardless of whatever challenges I might face next year in adding a fourth to our family, I can still make it great with the right intention and mindset. I'm already intentionally creating excitement about having another baby... I'm reading positive things about motherhood and big families and keeping negative things at bay. I'm trying to stay connected to God and my mom community. I'm creating baby fever and allowing myself to buy things I haven't in the past, like a baby wrap I really wanted, a moses bassinet and a maternity/postpartum robe. I have my hospital packing list written up as well as baby items needed (which we actually need a lot of since I got rid of so much baby stuff... whoops!). I'm looking forward to my hospital stay, having the help of the nurses and hot coffee and food delivered to me whenever I want. :D

Rather than comparing or having expectations of what next year should look like, I'm making the decision now to embrace the year as it comes. I want to again savor the baby phase, that precious first year of life, and know that it will look different than last year- and that's ok. I want to focus on taking care of myself by exercising and eating well, and focus on making my home a sanctuary for Dave and my older boys even with a baby in the house. Especially with a baby in the house. I want to make intentionality and living in joy the standard for me, and the boys. And I have Gabe's first year for inspiration. :D

Now I've just gotta get through this next month and a half... Christmas can't come sooner!

September Love, In Pictures

Zach's first day of third grade, and first day at Cherry Creek!

Julian's first day of preschool!

Happy boy.

Julian and his best friend, Reid.

Zach and his best friend Greylon, Reid's older brother!

Gabe is quite the adventurer outside!

...and inside :D

With energetic boys, sometimes the bikes come inside...

Walks with the Boomers! Nichole and I thought our husbands were adorable pushing the strollers. Hahahaha :)

 Dave consoling his baby <3

These two....

<3 <3 <3

Daily quiet time....

Life at the lake!

Special treat for my boys... steamers on the porch steps!

Walking home from buddy's bus stop with his holy trinity of sleep-time: binkie, bear-y and blankie. :D

Stories with Dah-Dah. (can you spot the sleep-time trinity? :D)

Tracking mom during hurricane Irma... (she was fine)

Boulder Ridge Wild Animal Park. The birds are the best!

Lovin'

Bumpin'

"We struggle with, agonize over and bluster heroically about the great questions of life when the answers to most of these lie hidden in our attitude toward the thousand minor details of each day."

-Robert Grudin

Gift from the Sea

"For to be a woman is to have interests and duties, raying out in all directions from the central mother-core, like spokes from the hub of a wheel. The pattern of our lives is essentially circular. We must be open to all points of the compass; husband, children, friends, home, community; stretched out, exposed, sensitive like a spider's web to each breeze that blows, to each call that comes. How difficult for us, then, to achieve a balance in the midst of these contradictory tensions, and yet how necessary for the proper functioning of our lives. How much we need, and how arduous of attainment is that steadiness preached in all rules for holy living. How desirable and how distant is the ideal of the contemplative, artist or saint- the inner inviolable core, the single eye.

With a new awareness, both painful and humorous, I begin to understand why the saints were rarely married women. I am convinced it has nothing inherently to do, as I once supposed, with chastity or children. It has to do primarily with distractions. The bearing, rearing, feeding and educating of children; the running of a house with it's thousand details; human relationships with their myriad pulls- woman's normal occupations in general run counter to creative life, or contemplative life, or saintly life. The problem is not merely one of Woman and Career, Woman and the Home, Woman and Independence. It is more basically: how to remain whole in the midst of the distractions of life; how to remain balanced, no matter what centrifugal forces tend to pull one off center; how to remain strong, no matter what shocks come in at the periphery and tend to crack the hub of the wheel.

What is the answer? There is no easy answer, no complete answer. I have only clues, shells form the sea. The bare beauty of the channelled whelk tells me that one answer, and perhaps a first step, is in simplification of life, in cutting out some of the distractions. But how? Total retirement is not possible. I cannot shed my responsibilities. I cannot permanently inhabit a desert island. I cannot be a nun in the midst of family life. I would not want to be. The solution for me, surely, is neither in total renunciation of the world, nor in total acceptance of it. I must find a balance somewhere, or an alternating rhythm between these two extremes; a swinging of the pendulum between solitude and communion, between retreat and return. In my periods of retreat, perhaps I can learn something to carry back into my worldly life."

This passage from one of my favorite books, Gift from the Sea, sums up my heart attitude toward life these past few months. How to live with the inevitable and necessary duties and distractions of life that pull parts of me away from the whole- how to hold onto and foster the parts that make me me, such as creativity and independence, even though they're at odds with my outward life. I struggle with this so much, and that's why I've been so focused on simplifying my life as a whole. I don't want to lose parts of myself. I had an epiphany reading the analogy of the swinging pendulum- what a perfect way to describe the possible balance that could be achieved in a mother's life. Balance does not come from smoothing down and simplifying everything outward- it comes from embracing the outward and all it's distractions and making inward retreats a priority. I love the word retreat. Re-treat. Giving yourself a treat (the treat of solitude) over and over. I feel like I finally understand and am figuring out how I can navigate these precious child-rearing years and still keep the main parts of myself intact.

This book is amazing, and if you haven't read it yet I highly suggest you do!

Summer Rain.

An old roommate of mine has a dad with a purple heart.

If you don't know what that is, it's a military medal you're awarded when you're wounded in battle. He was in Vietnam. He was on disability afterward because of his injuries and didn't have to work, so he hung out with us a lot. We called him "Pops".  I'm not sure if it was just the 60's that never left him or just his altered mental state since the military, but he was crazy. I mean craaaaaazzzzy. Cray Cray. For instance, once time he did something nuts (can't remember what), and I said, "Pops, you're crazy." He choked and spattered and started screaming and laughing and told me that's the best thing anyone has ever said to him. I couldn't believe nobody had told him that before.

(By the way, he is still alive. I'm writing in past tense because neither of them are a part of my life anymore. Nothing bad, just time and distance. You know.)

Anyway. Pops was a hippie, straight up. From music to philosophy, it was like he never left the 60's. We had The Beatles in common, which was cool. He was simultaneously amazing and terrifying, fun-loving and nasty. He would say the sweetest things to his daughter (my old roommate), but when they fought he was downright violent. Not in actions, but in words. And he was open about his... shall we call it perversion? Lots of talk about past orgies, really anything sex related he was very comfortable talking about. Not super detailed or anything- just enough to slap you awake in the moment. At first it made me uncomfortable but after you get to know him you accept that it's just how he is.

I know that sounds bad- especially if you uphold a high moral standard regarding sex, which I do. I also am not going to pretend that people like that don't have worth or that I'm better than them. He was the father of my good friend, not a peer I was consciously making part of my social circle, and I held a certain respect for him simply for his age and life experience. And believe it or not, I tend to be drawn to crazy people. People who are outliers, who others think are weird. Those kind of people are unashamedly themselves, they hide nothing, and they make me feel like I can be myself. They are the least judgmental kind of people I've ever met. But I digress...

Pops had little nicknames for everyone. I actually don't remember what he called his daughter, but I remember what he called me- Summer Rain. For the longest time I just laughed and went along with it because he was crazy Pops and that's just what he did. Then I went through a rough season and was in need of some encouragement. One day when he stopped by to visit, I asked him why he called me that and yes, I was totally fishing for compliments. Hah!

He said the first time he met me, I had a way about me that was different. I brought a warm, relaxing peace about me, mixed with a happy energy. He said my presence felt like summer rain; cool, refreshing and life-giving. Now Pops saw the good in everyone and other people had special nicknames too. I'm sure if they asked him about their names he would have come up with something equally personal and meaningful because that's how he is. But I still couldn't help feeling so moved by his words, and I've thought about them often since that day.

Cool, refreshing and life-giving. What a compliment. What a wonderful idea to embody, being as refreshing as summer rain... to bring a warm and happy energy into any room I enter. I can't say this is how I always am or how anyone else besides Pops perceives me, but I like to keep it in mind as I journey my life and when I meet new people and do new things. It's a goal of mine, in a way, to live up to that idea as best as I can, with grace. Who knew military-induced insanity could produce life-long encouragement to someone?

The Beauty Of A Cloudy Day

A cloudy day asks nothing from you. It does not beg you to come outside and enjoy it's presence, nor does it send you inside to recover from exposure.

A cloudy day brings refreshment, a respite from the harshness of the sun's rays. It invites you to do what you came to do, to feel what you mean to feel. It supports happiness, excitement, contentedness, sadness and grief. It lets you be who you are.

A cloudy day doesn't mock you from the office window, or from your living room window as you sit on the couch nursing a fussy baby. It doesn't force you to close the curtains on your child's window during nap time, but instead it lets them enjoy the view as they drift off to sleep.

A cloudy day doesn't encourage a whirring of high activity such as errands, play dates, parks and beaches. Instead it encourages snuggles, movies, popcorn, mugs of hot chocolate, comfort and connectedness. It encourages you to slow down and be present.

A cloudy day has a romance all it's own, in it's softness and mystery. It provides an inconspicuous backdrop in which one can focus on another without distraction, and makes the presence of all that shines even more beautiful. It can evoke emotion, captivate you in it's details, and at the same time, lull you into a peaceful slumber.

A cloudy day doesn't make you feel like it's waiting on you, but rather it's there when you want it. It's a reminder that you don't need the sun to be happy; that you're strong enough to carry your own weather.

I Want To Remember Tonight

*Written a few days ago*

There was nothing out of the ordinary about today, but I love the way it made me feel. Since moving into our house last March, my love of this new space of ours has grown so much and continues to grow daily. It's not perfect, it's a little dated in some areas and needs some serious decor, but I love the flow of it and the ease of daily life with chores and kids compared to our last home.

So tonight, I had a photo shoot in Lowell just a few blocks from my house. Dave took the boys for a walk while I went. It was golden hour and the light was divine and there was a nice cool breeze. We met at the showboat and I took a few shots, and we walked around until we found the perfect spot. She helped me move some chairs out of the way, and I took some more shots, loving the location and creativity I was pouring out. Nearby was a beautiful planter with gorgeous pink flowers and our background was a crystal clear coffee shop window with decorative curtains hanging behind. Just beautiful.

On my way home I noticed a tree in our neighborhood starting to turn orange along with some golden-brown leaves on the ground. Signs of autumn, my favorite season! Giddy, I returned home to my two boys in the front living room while Dave was putting Gabey down. I grabbed the older two and we headed to McDonald's for flurries, and ate them on the front steps of our porch. I put some music on my phone and the boys danced and we laughed... especially when Zach was doing the Irish jig to Bootylicious. That boy! :D

As the golden sun dipped below the horizon we headed in, feeling happy and content. I love nights like this- filled with simple joy, the best kind there is.

Summer Garden

Today the boys and I picked beans from the garden. My parents always remembered their childhood gardens fondly, how the radishes were always redder and more flavorful, and how everything just tasted earthier and better. I watched my boys as they picked beans, snapping them off the leaves and crunching them in their teeth before they ever made it to the bowl. It's funny how planting something from a seed, tending to it, watering and weeding it then finally seeing it sprout will make a child eat pretty much any vegetable. They love being part of the process.

If my life were a garden, this season feels like the watering and weeding phase. The seeds are planted and beginning to sprout, and while I certainly get small fruits here and there life is largely caring for things (home, children) and weeding out the things that don't serve us or could potentially disrupt our homeostasis. While there are moments I crave the harvest, there is a true joy to be found in the midst of the pre-harvest tending. Work feels good, and seeing my work affect and grow things feels good. There is something satisfying about watching the life I've created unfold and bloom before my very eyes... to watch my children's personalities and interests emerge and to see my home become cozier by the day as I slowly and thoughtfully decorate it. To create a safe and healthy space for the people I love to flourish and grow to maturity- I think this is sweeter than any other season. My job is not done, my purpose is still strong and I still have time.

This is the summer season of my life, and I am truly enjoying it.

Simple Moments

I've never been a great housekeeper. I say housekeeper and not homemaker because I truly do have the heart of a homemaker. I long for my home to be a cozy place of rest and comfort and love for my family and anyone who visits. I love decorating and cooking and being present with my boys and creating routines and planning... oh how I love planning! But the housekeeping thing- the never ending dishes, laundry, dirty toilets, diapers, meals that have to be cooked, and all this on a regular basis... sometimes it's just all too much. I'd rather be making memories with my children and doing fun things with them, not keeping them cooped up inside while I clean. Right?

One of my favorite quotes of all time that I absolutely believe with all my heart is by Marie Forleo, and she says, "Everything is figureoutable.". I love that. I live that. In any given situation where I seem stuck, I know if I think on it enough in the right way a solution will come eventually. I've been this way since I was little... determined. There has to be a way... or a better way. Recently I came to this point with my housekeeping- I felt stuck, trapped, lonely, and overwhelmed, and I knew there was a better way- I just had to figure it out.

I had to figure out how to keep up with the basics without feeling overwhelmed and overburdened. I had to figure out how I could take my kids on a playdate, or to the library, or outside to play, or even just play inside- and be truly present with them- without feeling the looming mountain of domestic responsibility waiting for me. I had to figure out a way to wake up to a clean kitchen and start my day off right. Because waking up to a messy kitchen? Instant grouch. Horrible way to start the day. I knew if I thought about it long enough, and tried different things, I'd eventually be able to figure this thing out. And I think I'm at that point.

Maybe I'll go a little more in detail on how exactly I'm doing it in another post, but in this post I'll mainly focus on the big wins- the simple moments I've built into our lives (by having the time and head space to make it happen), the simple moments I'm now able to enjoy guilt free because of my ability to keep on top of the house chores. My goal for our home life has always been to feel joy in the ordinary, and in this particular season I feel exactly that. 

These are some of the things I'm currently enjoying- purposefully and guilt free. 

Blueberry picking. Zach made a blueberry yogurt cake, I made a blueberry crisp, we've all had bowls of berries galore and we still have lots leftover!

This is my favorite right now. Gabe's little "ism" in this season is scrunching up his lips and running his fingers across them. How precious is that? I call it his "pucker for mama" and can't resist giving him the biggest smooch when he does it!

Zach and Julian have quiet time every day in their room while Gabe naps so I can get some rest. I rent them books from the library, make homemade playdough and supply them with all the paper and crayons they could ever want and I don't hear a peep for two hours. I am a firm and unabashed believer in refilling my own tank and do not feel guilty doing so. This is the most peaceful time of day for me where I can read, do my devotions or even take a nap myself.

We were about to start planting lavender seeds when I looked up and saw Gabe staring thoughtfully out the window. Thankfully I grabbed my camera just in time! I love his sweet little face.

We were watching a movie and the two younger boys climbed on my lap to cuddle. Made my heart just melt!

This is Gabe's "metal face". Hahahaha I seriously cannot handle it. Whenever I play any music that has the slightest rock sound to it he does this. He is definitely my child!

Caught a moment between these two. They have such a precious and close bond, I love watching it unfold in our home.

This is a printout I made of my chores, so to speak. I saw something similar on pinterest and adapted it to suit me. I love the non-scheduled and simplistic feel of it. I put it on our fridge as a reminder of my focus for the day, but made it pretty so it's nice and artistic to look at.

We recently discovered a free petting zoo near our home and Gabe just loved the goats. Almost as much as Julian loved the chickens.

As you can see here. <3

So this. We have two bathrooms in our house that we just moved into earlier this year. The upstairs bathroom has a beautiful steam shower, pictured, and the main level bathroom has a massive whirlpool tub with jets. I was finding it very difficult to give the boys baths in it, partly because Gabe was stressed out every time and refused to sit down, and mostly because of the awkward knee-and-back-destroying position I had to be in in order to wash them. So, as everything is figureoutable, I put my brain to work and decided to buy a small kiddie pool for the upstairs shower and this is now how we do baths. Loads easier and the boys love it. Hallelujah! 

Dave's mom and stepdad live on Gun Lake, and we love taking the boys out there. I just love this picture of Dave with Gabe on the jet-ski. He looks so tiny next to his daddy! Precious.

Bone broth is my new thing. Okay not new, as I've been making it for a couple years now, but making it the right way is my new thing. Ha. I had a bad cold at the end of spring and my good friend Mina brought me some bone broth from one of her pastured chickens. She made it special for me by adding garlic, cayenne and oregano to help hit the cold where it hurt. It was so amazing and healing and I felt so loved. 

So now I buy my chickens from her when I can, because her chickens are simply the best and the bone broth actually gels, unlike the chickens from the store- even the organic ones. Just can't beat local pasture-raised! I actually shook the pan before I took this picture hoping the capture the gelatin moving about. :D

....and I even got brave and cooked up and tried the liver. I have only two words to describe it: Cat Food. But my dad liked it so it didn't go to waste. Win!

....yep, totally ending this post with a picture of chicken liver... because, why not? :D

Iterate

As I alluded to in my last post, I am indeed pregnant with my fourth child. 

My fourth child.

I am still wrapping my brain around it. If you've been following me for any length of time, you know that was not in our plans, but as the saying goes, life is what happens when you're busy making other plans.

Life is what happens. Yep, got the memo... literally.

I'm in a good place now. It's kind of cruel in a way that almost immediately upon finding out I was pregnant I got hit with morning sickness. It makes the whole thing just crap. So yea, the first couple months were hard. I was regretful. Why weren't we more careful? What were we thinking? *Barf* Oh my GOSH WE HAVE TO DO THIS ALL OVER AGAIN. How am I going to handle four of these tiny humans when half the time I feel like I can't handle three? *Gag* Lord help me. 

This was my internal thought process on repeat for about two months straight. Then, ya know, it got easier. We started telling our friends and family and they were excited and encouraging. That always helps. I started working on breaking my destructive and depressing thought cycle and instead starting envisioning my life with four kids. They are only young for a few extremely exhausting and sanity melting years, but then you have four kids for the rest of your life, right? Four kids to raise up, four life companions, a full table at Christmas and a full van on the way to see movies. Sorry kids, if ya'll want a vacation with your friends we're gonna have to carpool. My family will take up an entire minivan, minus one seat. Lawd. 

It's easier now that I'm getting more excited, but I'm ready for the baby to just be here now. I'm so over pregnancy. I'm over feeling weak, the sore body, the fatigue, the waddling, and er... other side effects. I'm ready to have my body back and *trying not to remind myself that I had only just gotten it back when I stopped nursing Gabriel approximately two weeks before I became pregnant again*  workout and feel strong again. I'm also ready to not be the weak and lame mom who is either hobbling along with a huge belly or whipping her boob out in random public places while forced to sit for 30-45 minutes at a time every 3 hours. 

These years go fast, remember? Oh yea. This is the point where I remind myself to just breathe. If the Lord wills I have a long life, these years will be fleeting. And if he doesn't, there's no more honorable or meaningful or purposeful life stage than the one I'm in right now.  

All is well.

The Ing's Of Early Summer

1. Watching: Outlander on blu-ray, rented from our local library
2. Crafting: thrifted wooden wall decor for our home
3. Baking: not much now with the warm weather, but I have a blueberry crisp recipe I've been wanting to try
4. Reading: Interview With The Vampire by Anne Rice and a book on natural + non-toxic homemaking and self care
5. Craving: steamed chard and grilled veggies, mostly red peppers, zucchini and mushrooms
6. Organizing: trying to organize our entire home as we're still nailing down our rhythms since moving in March
7. Sipping: homemade organic bone broth
8. Loving: daily quiet time when the boys nap/play quietly and the home is serene
9. Dreaming: of what our new baby will be like, and if it will be a boy or a girl
10. Chopping: all. the. veggies, for soups, omelettes and snacks
11. Laughing: at Gabriel when he dances in circles to all the Moana songs
12. Picking: wildflowers around the yard to put in various vases I've been collecting
13. Humming: Great Is Thy Faithfullness
14. Wearing: dresses a lot, since they are comfy for summer and my growing belly
15. Scrubbing: finally feeling well enough to clean again so.... everything I've neglected for the past 5-6 weeks
16. Teaching: my boys how to show respect for one another, share toys, and use quiet voices in the house
17. Diffusing: We've been battling some illnesses so lots and lots of purification!
18. Learning: how to compost, recycle, make homemade non-toxic household cleaners
19. Remembering: the importance of investing in friendships
20. Praying: for guidance daily as I raise my boys

My Trouvaille

"Have you ever held a heart that's been broken?
 I knew a girl, she shined so bright it hurt to look, but
 He stole her dreams, took her shining eyes.
 He broke them so bad they can't even cry.
...Regret takes hold, won't let go..."

By the time I was sixteen, I had grown into a happy, confident, upbeat young lady. I saw the world as exciting and my future as promising. I remember making it a point as I walked through the halls of my school to smile at as may people as I could. I was happy with the way I looked and felt very comfortable in my own skin. My friends were encouraging, and new people I met often remarked that I had a "spark" about me. I had a genuine love for life.

Naturally, I drew the attention of some boys in my school. And unfortunately, due to many varied reasons including (but not limited to) a stressful home life, I enjoyed the attention a little too much. I didn't have any wise counsel in my life, or any decent role models to look up to, so I made mistakes with boys. I gave my heart away too young, and promptly had it broken. My first love tore me up inside, cut me deeper than I thought possible. I remember being so devastated that I thought it would have been easier if he would have loved me and died, instead of stopped loving me. That pain burned through my heart in the most terrible way, and I can honestly say to this day I have never been the same since. My heart has healed, but it will never be the same as it once was when it was whole and unbroken.

I had a couple relationships after that, both unhealthy and damaging so my sensitive soul. By the time I ended my 5 year relationship with the father of my son, I felt dead inside. You can see it in pictures taken of me during that time- it's like the light in my eyes is gone. In the months leading up to the breakup, one unrelenting thought that gave me strength was telling myself that I want my son to know me- not the shell of a person I was then, with his father.

When I finally left, it was like a truck had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt weightless. No tears, as those had all been shed during many late nights in the months prior at my son's cribside... only an overwhelming and awesome feeling of hope for our future resided in my heart.

And then I met Dave.

Never before had I met a man who loved so tenderly, passionately, and respectfully. He literally swept me off my feet. He set boundaries in our relationship, and because of that I was able to actually become comfortable with being just myself for the first time in years. I got used to sleeping alone, while still knowing I was loved. I got used to spending evenings by myself on a regular basis, and learned to truly enjoy my own company. I learned how to be happy by just being me.

More importantly than that, Dave spoke to the most vulnerable and broken areas of my heart, letting me know I was not only loved, but pursued, cherished, and worthy of being treated well. I had not realized, after years of allowing my heart to be abused, that some part of me felt like I would be burdensome to my lover if I expected better treatment. I knew I didn't deserve to be treated poorly, but thought maybe that's just how men were and I shouldn't expect differently. I probably thought this because deep down I didn't think I was capable of making someone truly happy- I felt like some key element inside me was broken, and I'd have to live with that forever- never being enough, and always being too much.

I'll never forget the exact day Dave spoke directly to my heart in a way that started the healing process. We were outside our friends Dave and Katie's apartment, and during the drive there Dave said something sweet to me and I reacted in an overly grateful way. Dave stopped the car, looked me dead in the eye and said to me softly,

"I am excited for the day when you are so used to being treated the way you deserve that you don't feel the need to thank me for it."  

Dave is not a perfect person, and neither am I. Our marriage has had our fair share of hard times and we have our struggles like anyone else. But one thing that I'm forever grateful for and the reason I married this man is this- he knows the language of my heart. The broken parts of him and the broken parts of me have made us uniquely able to love each other in the exact way we need. As we have just passed our 5th wedding anniversary (on the 11th), I wanted to do more than thank him for being wonderful. I wanted to take a journey through my past, remember the pain and heartache that although unfortunate, has shaped my heart to be just right for him. Because of Dave, I'm able to now look at my past and be grateful... yes grateful for the hard times, because without them, what would our love look like?

The poet Zachry Douglas said "The broken will always be able to love harder than most. Once you've been in the dark, you learn to appreciate everything that shines."

Thank you, Dave, for showing me what pure love looks like.

Thank you for helping create our unique love story, with redemption woven throughout.

Thank you for teaching me to live without regret and instead to choose thankfulness.

Thank you for putting the shine back in my eyes and the spark back in my heart.

You are my lucky find.

My trouvaille.

I love you.

xoxo -Lindsay

The Purple Tree

It looked so promising
With long, elegant branches
Reaching toward the sky
Bare from the harsh winter
But only for a little while longer

For soon the buds would bloom
And beautiful green leaves
Would gift refreshing shade

I dreamed of many sunny evenings
Swinging, sitting, living underneath
With sparkling, dancing rays
Passing through the greenery
In the most delightful way

Yet spring arrived, along with orange buds
Odd, but still promising
Until the leaves came

Dark.

And purple.

A disappointing dark spot
Plaguing our beautiful yard
I looked upon it bitterly
Day after day
Wishing for the leaves
To magically turn green
To no avail

Months of envisioning
What the future would hold
Prepared my heart
For disappointment

For who was I to assume
How the bud would bloom
Surely this tree
Is a blessing regardless

Selflessly providing shade and play
And adorning an otherwise
Empty corner of the yard

Perhaps the purple tree
Has a lesson for me
That life will bring
The unexpected

And though it may seem dark
And I might feel bitter
I can choose to find the beauty
Delight in the colors I didn't choose

And I will learn to love it.

10 Career and Life Lessons Learned From 10 Years In The Cosmetology Industry: Part 3

It's been awhile, but here is part three. I hope you've enjoyed the first two! If you haven't read them yet, you can find them here and here.

7. You have a voice and the power to use it.

Remember those difficult bosses I told you about? They really taught me how to stand up for myself. Many employees, I've noticed, have a tendency to complain about their bosses while doing nothing to remedy the problem and eventually either quit or continue to work in quiet agony. That's no way to live, sista! The best way I've found to stand up for yourself is to know who you are, what you stand for and what you will and won't tolerate. In the end, what's the worst that can happen by standing up for yourself? Think about this- if you were to walk into your boss's office and confidently, humbly and professionally communicate an issue you're having with the way you're being treated, then you would have already succeeded. At that point, their reaction is out of your control and you can feel confident knowing that you did the right thing regardless of the turnout. Sometimes it ends well and sometimes it ends poorly, but it never ends in regret.

8. Know what makes you different.

Cosmetology (as well as many other industries) is a competitive field, and we have the *blessing* of our co-workers always being our competition. Yes, of course you are also a team, but there is no way around the fact that you are all constantly building clientele. The good news is most customers have different preferences regarding skill as well as personality. You can be very successful when you know what makes you stand out and using it to your advantage. For me, I love a good story and encouraging people, so my clients typically loved to talk and be encouraged in their interests and endeavors. I was also really skilled at cutting long hair with beautiful flowy layers, so I attracted a lot of long-haired, outgoing clients which was perfect for me. Remember that people don't just buy a product or service- they buy experience, which is YOU. Know that every client won't like you, but that ones who do will bring you much joy and make coming to work every day worth it.


9. Just because some people don't like you doesn't mean they cannot learn from you.

In number 3 I talked about what you can learn from having a mean boss. Now I'm going to tell you that if you are a boss, not everyone under you will always like you, even if you're compassionate. So to flip the script on number three, know that your employees can learn great things from you even if they don't like you (and may not even realize it until years later). When you're a leader in a company, staying true to your values (being firm) and leading by example will teach your employees many great things, including the value of integrity.


10. Helping others succeed is more fulfilling than succeeding yourself, because it is shared.

Some people may not agree with me, but I truly feel that a natural goal for any person with a skill should be to teach it to others. I cannot tell you how valuable and imperative it was to my career that I had people take me under their wing and show me tips and tricks of the trade and give advice where it was needed. You don't need to be in a position of authority to add great value to someone's life in this way. Simply showing a rookie or new employee an easier way of doing something can have an incredible impact on their work. In my ten years in the cosmetology industry, the most fulfilled I ever felt was when I taught people new techniques and saw them have an "ah-ha!" moment that greatly increased the quality of their work. There is much joy to be found in teaching what you know to others.

Now I'd love to hear from you- what are some of the best lessons you've learned in your career?

-Lindsay

March Madness

"I'm currently standing in the book isle of Meijer as I write this. It's been a whirlwind of a month, complete with my husband changing careers and our family moving out of the house we've called home for the past four years. To say I've been a little stressed and distant lately is an understatement- I've been in full-on survival mode. Which is kind of depressing, seeing how I was in survival mode for most of last year with a baby + 2 boys while Dave traveled all the time for his job he only started a year ago.

So tonight, when the two younger boys were screaming and crying for about an hour straight and I finally got the baby to sleep, only to be woken literally seconds after closing his eyes by his crying brother, I snapped. I told Dave I'm leaving and I drove to Meijer. Oh yea, and it's dinner time. Bless it."

Have you ever had one of those days where you, how do I say this, LITERALLY CAN'T EVEN? I took the liberty of writing my thoughts during one of those days (which are very few and far between) and honestly, it's kind of amusing to read now. It's funny how doomed everything seems when you're caught up in the moment.

Yes, last year was hard in so many ways, but it was a great year. And it strengthened me. Looking back on 2016, I don't think about being in survival mode, I think about my sister getting married and my other sister living with us. Photographing weddings. Spending evenings with myself when Dave was traveling- and enjoying the alone time! I read so many great books last year! And I missed my husband, but it was great for our marriage to miss each other a bit. I got to witness Dave stretch and grow beyond what he ever had before, personally and professionally. So yes- many hard moments, many great blessings.

I like that I took the time to write my frustrations in that moment in the Meijer book isle. Because now as I read over it, I'm reminded that the hard moments are only that- fleeting moments in time, here today and gone tomorrow. What remains, always, is joy. Deep rooted joy that can never be taken away.

The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;
His mercies never come to an end;
They are new every morning;
Great is your faithfulness.
Lamentations 3:22-23

-Lindsay

The Pink Bible

When I was 18 years old, I lived with two roommates in an apartment in East Lansing. We got along okay, but one of them had a friend that stayed with us all the time, to the point where she was basically living with us as well. She didn't pay rent and she was not very nice to me, and there were a few occasions I tried to make her leave but somehow the situation always became resolved enough to let her stay there, even though I really didn't want her to.

Looking back, I see that she was a very passionate person and I did like that about her. When she loved, she did it with all her heart. Whether it was a person or a book or a song, if she loved something she immersed herself in it fully. I liked witnessing that. But in the end, it didn't make up for all the mean things she did to me, and eventually we all parted ways and I never saw or spoke to her again.

At some point during the move out, our stuff got mixed up and I acquired her Bible. I'm not sure how or why, because I never read the Bible then and I wasn't a Christian at that time. I didn't even realize or pay attention to the fact that she was a Christian- probably because I didn't care and didn't like her much. I didn't know what to do with it and I'm not sure when I even realized I had it. The thing that's crazy to me is that through all my moves since then I was able to not lose this book that didn't belong to me and I had no interest in reading.

That was December of 2004.

When I became a Christian five years later, I didn't need to buy a Bible because I already had one- this pretty pink one that was somehow right where I needed it to be at the time.

Over the years I poured over it and learned so much about Jesus and grew deeply in my faith. But there's another special blessing this particular Bible has given me, and I'm not sure what words I would use to describe it. You see, this old roommate actually read this Bible and made her own notes and markings in it.

I feel like as I've gotten to know the character of Jesus, I've also gotten to know Katie. I can see, by her markings, certain parts of God's word that stood out to her. I can see, by her writings, that she had a tender relationship with Jesus and truly loved him. And despite how she treated me 13 years ago when we were both young, immature teenagers, I can't help but have grown to love her- after all, we passionately love the same God. I'd like to think that today she is blessed with a family and all good things, and is a "virtuous wife".

One day as I was reading, I noticed this next page and realized that she made these markings in Dec '04- while we were living together.

Regardless of how I felt about her then, I can see how God has used her as a blessing in my life through our shared Pink Bible. He was pursuing me then, and even though I wouldn't come to know Him for another five years, it's comforting to see how he can turn a situation like that into a blessing.

I'm thankful I never succeeded at kicking her out of my place, and thankful for God always being in the details and all situations, good and bad. And I'm thankful for the sour relationship-turned-sisterhood that I now share with Katie through God's word, even though she undoubtedly doesn't know about any of this.

Maybe someday our paths will cross and I can tell her the whole story.

-Lindsay