I knew a girl, she shined so bright it hurt to look, but
He stole her dreams, took her shining eyes.
He broke them so bad they can't even cry.
...Regret takes hold, won't let go..."
By the time I was sixteen, I had grown into a happy, confident, upbeat young lady. I saw the world as exciting and my future as promising. I remember making it a point as I walked through the halls of my school to smile at as may people as I could. I was happy with the way I looked and felt very comfortable in my own skin. My friends were encouraging, and new people I met often remarked that I had a "spark" about me. I had a genuine love for life.
Naturally, I drew the attention of some boys in my school. And unfortunately, due to many varied reasons including (but not limited to) a stressful home life, I enjoyed the attention a little too much. I didn't have any wise counsel in my life, or any decent role models to look up to, so I made mistakes with boys. I gave my heart away too young, and promptly had it broken. My first love tore me up inside, cut me deeper than I thought possible. I remember being so devastated that I thought it would have been easier if he would have loved me and died, instead of stopped loving me. That pain burned through my heart in the most terrible way, and I can honestly say to this day I have never been the same since. My heart has healed, but it will never be the same as it once was when it was whole and unbroken.
I had a couple relationships after that, both unhealthy and damaging so my sensitive soul. By the time I ended my 5 year relationship with the father of my son, I felt dead inside. You can see it in pictures taken of me during that time- it's like the light in my eyes is gone. In the months leading up to the breakup, one unrelenting thought that gave me strength was telling myself that I want my son to know me- not the shell of a person I was then, with his father.
When I finally left, it was like a truck had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt weightless. No tears, as those had all been shed during many late nights in the months prior at my son's cribside... only an overwhelming and awesome feeling of hope for our future resided in my heart.
And then I met Dave.
Never before had I met a man who loved so tenderly, passionately, and respectfully. He literally swept me off my feet. He set boundaries in our relationship, and because of that I was able to actually become comfortable with being just myself for the first time in years. I got used to sleeping alone, while still knowing I was loved. I got used to spending evenings by myself on a regular basis, and learned to truly enjoy my own company. I learned how to be happy by just being me.
More importantly than that, Dave spoke to the most vulnerable and broken areas of my heart, letting me know I was not only loved, but pursued, cherished, and worthy of being treated well. I had not realized, after years of allowing my heart to be abused, that some part of me felt like I would be burdensome to my lover if I expected better treatment. I knew I didn't deserve to be treated poorly, but thought maybe that's just how men were and I shouldn't expect differently. I probably thought this because deep down I didn't think I was capable of making someone truly happy- I felt like some key element inside me was broken, and I'd have to live with that forever- never being enough, and always being too much.
I'll never forget the exact day Dave spoke directly to my heart in a way that started the healing process. We were outside our friends Dave and Katie's apartment, and during the drive there Dave said something sweet to me and I reacted in an overly grateful way. Dave stopped the car, looked me dead in the eye and said to me softly,
"I am excited for the day when you are so used to being treated the way you deserve that you don't feel the need to thank me for it."Dave is not a perfect person, and neither am I. Our marriage has had our fair share of hard times and we have our struggles like anyone else. But one thing that I'm forever grateful for and the reason I married this man is this- he knows the language of my heart. The broken parts of him and the broken parts of me have made us uniquely able to love each other in the exact way we need. As we have just passed our 5th wedding anniversary (on the 11th), I wanted to do more than thank him for being wonderful. I wanted to take a journey through my past, remember the pain and heartache that although unfortunate, has shaped my heart to be just right for him. Because of Dave, I'm able to now look at my past and be grateful... yes grateful for the hard times, because without them, what would our love look like?
The poet Zachry Douglas said "The broken will always be able to love harder than most. Once you've been in the dark, you learn to appreciate everything that shines."
Thank you, Dave, for showing me what pure love looks like.
Thank you for helping create our unique love story, with redemption woven throughout.
Thank you for teaching me to live without regret and instead to choose thankfulness.
Thank you for putting the shine back in my eyes and the spark back in my heart.
You are my lucky find.
My trouvaille.
I love you.
xoxo -Lindsay
