Taking the Driver's Seat

This summer, life threw me a curveball.

All is and will be okay, and the details of it all are too personal to share here, but I will say that some of the most humbling and trying times of my life have taken place these last couple months. I’ve been tested to my core and decided very early on in this journey that I would choose truth and to let my situation grow me instead of giving it the power to harden me. That’s such an easy thing to say you should do when you’re not the one living it out, you know? It’s so very hard to choose truth when everything in you wants to give in to a victim mentality. At the same time, it’s incredibly freeing to claim the driver’s seat and steer toward the path that leads to truth, to growth, to surrender, to empathy, to love.

I’ve learned that things people do or say only mean what you make them mean.

I’ve learned that it hurts way less to try to understand somebody in love, even through anger, than it does to shut them out because of that anger.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to feel my feelings and not try to numb them with food or other dopamine-inducing distractions.

I’ve learned that taking care of my body mentally and physically makes a world of difference in how I interface with all the things in life.

I’ve learned that you never know the whole story of someone’s life while watching them through a metaphorical window (social media, acquaintances, etc). Everyone, and I mean everyone has their own baggage.

I’ve learned that I have so much more power than I’ve ever given myself credit for, including the power to change how I feel about something or someone by changing the way I think about it/them. In other words, my thoughts create my feelings. Sounds simple, right? It is, in theory. Actually doing it is a beast. But I, and you, have that power!

I’ve learned that I care so much more than I ever thought I did about the empowerment of women and how important it is that we are able to be what we want and need to be regardless of life’s circumstances.

Gosh, so many more things could be added to this list but for now I’ll just say this: I want to stretch and grow with the life God has blessed me with.

Life is a crazy, wild and beautiful dance and I want to keep in step.

xo, Lindsay

Tonight.

Zach came home upset from his dad's tonight.

He misses his dad. He doesn't want summer to end. He's nervous about school. He has focusing issues and gets bored. He doesn't want to fail.

I sat on the bed with him in our newly vacant guest room, which he has declared as in own personal space (I'm more than ok with that). I wanted to encourage his heart, so I told him that all he has to do is try, and whether or not he fails doesn't matter. I told him he's a great kid and will be a great man someday, and a lot of great people fail at some things because that's part of life. I told him Albert Einstein's teachers told him he was dumb. I sympathized with his sadness over summer ending. We've been talking recently about how there's a time for everything (based out of Ecclesiastes)- for things to start and to end, for happiness and sadness, for fun and for boredom. Kids love opposites- Zach could go all day with ideas of "a time for this and a time for that". I know it's good for him that I was there talking with him and encouraging him, but I could tell he needed more.

I heard or read somewhere once that girls bond face-to-face and boys bond side by side. That makes sense- girls through communication and boys through action. I'm generalizing here, of course. So I put the younger boys to bed and around 8:45 I said to Zach, "Buddy, want to go for a bike ride?" You should have seen his face light up!

So we hopped on our bikes and rode around the neighborhood and I let him lead. We peddled up hills and coasted down hills and whipped through the fresh summer air as the sun was setting. We stopped by the river and I showed him the spot I ride to sometimes when I need to get away from all the noise at home. The sky was a darkening cotton candy blend of pink, blue and purple. I told Zach it made me think of the Psalms and how David was often enthralled with God's beauty, and so am I. Then I thought of Sally Clarkson and how she always encourages parents to talk about God "when you rise up and when you walk by the way" and in that moment by the river I felt peace that at least in that moment I was doing something right as a parent. I can feel so spread thin these days with four kids and one of me that I struggle with guilt often (I'm working on that, by the way). This was a nice break from that.

We arrived home by the time it was dark enough to not see the road very well. We came inside and Zach declared that he was old enough and brave enough to sleep downstairs in the guest room by himself (all of our other bedrooms are upstairs). I honestly didn't think he would do it, but he did! I'm so proud of him. As I tucked him in to bed, I could tell he was doing so much better. I think the bike ride really helped. I leaned down to kiss him on his forehead, and he didn't wipe it away. I'm tearing up as I write this because that's the first time in years he's done that. He's been wiping away my kisses since he was 3. I'm just gross I guess. :D But tonight was different, and he let it stay. I can't really describe how grateful that made me feel. I love my boy and I'm so honored that God gave me the privilege of raising such an amazing kid and that He walks with me through it.

Tonight was great and I want to remember it forever.